+ THE
WICKED GAME - BOOK II +
A story inspired by the Harry Potter books of JK Rowling
planning & presented by MadHatter - all rights reserved
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CAP. 11c: NEVERWHERE
~ Thanks to Bruné and Zenia, for their tranlsation and betareading.
«How did it change so fast?
[I won't give you to the past]
I really thought it'd last…»
M2M, "Everything"
Rain is subtley pouring down beyond the windows, a low murmur is filling the room, quiet and cold… Rain draws changeable stripes on the ceiling, light arabesques that are leading to sleep, or to the oblivion of any memory. Rain that should wash away the pain, but it's just
sharpening it, making it clear, so neat it's impossible to forget…
I'm afraid.
Afraid for what will happen tomorrow. For what would happen tomorrow…
Of what I am, now. And what I should be…
I'd like to close my eyes and forget anything.
I, of all the people…
But still, in this darkness, I find only the awareness of what is meant to be.
I know. I can see it so clearly I'm afraid of it. I'm lost in this room, and I'd like to fly away, soon, now… away from this life, away from everything… I'd like to wake up from this dream that is killing me, open my eyes and reveal myself free…
It would be, after all, the same as dying. Becoming something entirely different…
But if everything would change, there would be no more of him. If my life would change, I would lose every single thing I got.. and I can't allow this.
The same cage that is closing on me is the world I want to live within.
I feel him breathing, near me, so thoughtless… so pure.
And I hate him, because he's no more worrying about this. He's sleeping soundly, as if nothing was waiting for him, beyond that door. As if he didn't care…
…at all…
…about me.
As if dying was weightless.
They want you, and they will use me to reach you. Neither accepting or refusing makes sense anymore. It was decided from the start… That wasn't a fair play.
Betraying you is playing their game.
Betraying them is the same. They will sacrifice me, later. I'm a cog in their wheel. I'm here to justify their work… I can either arrest you or refuse to do so: they will do it instead of me.
They will catch you anyway…
Anyway.
A sigh.
"Is it over? It's over, isn't it?"
Is it enough to soothe you? How can you be so haughty, even now? You just rid yourself of your troubles, you set them aside, you felt you could give up worrying…
…because someone else could do it instead of you.
"I… hate you…"
The sound of his voice is mixing up with the rain murmur. Almost undistinguishable… Now you're moving, silently. You shift, turning your back on me.
I can't do it.
I can't… even now. I'm still lying.
I don't want to.
Even in the darkness, I'm able to see the soft paths that are creeping over your skin, the same… every one of them is a day spent far from me. A piece of new life instead of what you were… of what we were.
All of them but one…
"Isn't that what you were craving for? And now, you're backing out? Wouldn't you like to see what happens when you lift a knife to someone's throat…? Oh, that's it… you never saw it, did you?"
Daft..
I understand thoroughly what killing means. There are so many way to do so… And some of them are just less direct of those they keep teaching you at the Auror Academy…
But they are still lethal. They don't spare, don't allow any escape…
Killing you would be of any use?
I don't, don't, don't want to… lose you…
"Malcolm?"
His voice, perfectly quiet. I don't
[want to]
answer. I sense him turning and propping himself up on his elbows, to see me.
"Aren't you asleep?"
If I close my eyes… long enough… will anything just disappear? Will I be able to forget?
A soft sigh. Then a warm bulk makes my shoulders sink down, resolutely. His arms lightly touch mine, while he's staring at me, his face hanging mere inches above mine.
I feel his breath on my own skin. And I can perfectly imagine the look he's wearing now…
I open my eyes. As I supposed.
His lips are quirking in that damned smile I despise so much, so utterly conceited…
"Malcolm… you keep talking in your sleep…" he whispers, a strange tone in his voice. I look him in the face, not talking. His eyes are dark, and distant, and unfathomable. I can't read through
them. I can't understand what you are, really…
His smile sharpens.
"…and you're talking nonsense."
It's pointless. I can't bring me to smile back. I can't just let it go, as you do. I have to understand… I have at least to try and find a logical explanation, of anything. I can't just wait…
And let them take you away, another time.
I have to keep on imaging my personal hell, keep on, and on, and on, until it won't scare me anymore… if I'll let him kill me, one bit at a time, perhaps I won't be still suffering, later…
I start raising a hand, but you don't even try to move, and you keep staring at me, silent. The scar on your chin stands out clearly, on your skin…
I can't let you go. No more. Not now.
Cause it's too late…
I touch the scar, lightly, with my finger, following it to the hollow at the base of his throat.
For an instant he closes his eyes, and suddenly he's still the boy I knew, so long ago…
You made a promise, and you've broken it. Now, this is mine?
"Tell me why you hate me", he whispers.
Hmph.
"Tell me…", he says, resting his forehead against my throat.
"Seeing that you always know anything… answer it instead of me."
I feel him smile for what seems the hundredth time, this night.
"You're absolutely wrong…" he says, and in his voice there's something amiss… He's smiling, but his voice is hollow. "Stop concerning yourself over something you can't control", he hisses. " Stop taking the blame on yourself, for something you didn't do…"
Stop worrying for me?
"You answered yourself. Like I guessed." I retort, cold.
Martin levels up again, looking at me straight in my eyes. His look changed again: now in the thin line of his lips there's an echo of that rage I hoped he forgot, definitely…
"I don't want to go away. I won't. And you're right, I don't care at all, don't care about me, my work, the Ministry.." and his voice sank down.
"I don't care about anything… anything."
"Anything but just one person."
You know that too, it won't be possible…
"They will manage it, Martin. They settled it, it's just a matter of time…"
"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!"
"But I do!"
He leaves his face resting against my shoulder, not replying.
Then, slowly…
"They won't take me away, I won't let them… no matter what."
"They will kill you."
"No…"
"Now, who is refusing to face the reality? Then!?", I hiss.
"They won't do it…" he whispers. "Not if I'lll tell them… what they want to listen. Not if I'll tell them that they're right. That I was wrong."
To this extent?
"I can't believe it. You can't be willing to forget…"
But he's not listening.
"And if this won't be enough, I will kill them all. I'll pay them back in their own coin… poetic justice…"
"Martin…"
"Hmm?" he whispers, not lifting his head.
"You're an idiot."
"Uh? What?" he cries out, springing up, widening his eyes like a child, utterly bewildered.
What did you say? is saying his astonished face.
This time, I'm the one smiling. Perhaps you, after all, are right. Perhaps I'm wrong. I pull my arms around his neck, pulling him down, above me.
I can't let you go.. daft as you are, you'll manage getting yourself killed in a moment.", I reply, sneering. "Then, you're right. They won't take you away. I won't let them."
He keeps watching me, and his eyes brighten, finally…
Dark, deep, beautiful eyes. Just mine.
He closes them, leaning down again on my shoulder.
His voice didn't change, after all. It's still the same as five years ago…
"… don't you dare go calling me an idiot again, Donahue, otherwise I'll pay you back…"
"Do you think so, Mr Carroll? And what are you going to do?"
A wry smile is tugging at the corners of his lips.
"Trust me, you don't want to know, Donahue… Auror secrets…"
And I close my eyes, keeping hold of him within my arms.
«…Questo domani - che non tornerà a cercarti.
Questo domani - non dipende dai tuoi sguardi.
Questo domani - solo vivere e accettarmi.
Questo domani - Questo domani - Questo domani…»
SubsOnicA, "Questo Domani"
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