+ FAIRYTALE +
A story from Wonderland Overdrive
planning & presented by MadHatter - all rights reserved
| back |

[*] he lived in a strange world.

Once upon a time, there was a slice of bread and jam. It was such a tasty and good looking slice that every person in the world would have eaten it, maybe with a hint of tea. It lived on a big, long table in the centre of a little room, and it used to spend its hours looking at the white ceiling above, in complete happiness.
This, until the clock struck five and the hero of this story decided to take his afternoon's snack, eating the little slice of bread and jam in one mouthful. The fate is tricky, sometimes.

"Delicious," said the little boy, licking his guilty lips. He wasn't a prince, just a common, little boy with red hair and honey-like eyes. He used to sit in his room and dream of every sort of magic things, like newspapers, vacuum cleaners and teaspoons [*]. He had a very fervid fantasy, but he wouldn't ever thought that he was about to live a great adventure, at five o' clock in the afternoon.
"Thanks for eating me," said a voice, near his stomach.
"Sorry?" he said, "Slices of bread and jam don't usually speak, especially after they have been eaten."
"Not when it's functional to the story," replied the voice, shrugging a pair of imaginary shoulders. "You was so nice to me, that I want to give you something in return.
Look out the window, and you'll see a big white palace in the middle of the street. A Queen lives there, crying all day on her bad fate, because some bad people have rent all the first floor of her palace to make a burger house."
"How sad!" the boy replies. "I guess she doesn't like hamburgers."
"Nope. She loves junk food but she can't stand the hideous smell of fried stuff that comes from the restaurant."
"Understandable," said the boy, who secretly loved junk food too.
"Well, to make things short, if you solve the Queen's trouble she'll surely reward you. You know how things goes… money, girls, fame, those kind of things."
"Just that?"
The slice knit its imaginary brows. "You're quite a greedy boy, you know?"
"You see, I don't really want to be a prince, so I don't need to be famous or rich. And for what I concern, girls aren't my cup of tea."
"You'll change idea before the end of this story, believe me," said the slice of bread and jam, with a sneer. "You'd better go out and find what the Queen needs, if you want to start this adventure, anyway. My time is coming, I can feel the touch of the gastric juices around here…"
"Do you have any relatives?" the boy asked.
"None that I know. Why?"
"I'll feel less guilty the next time I'll eat some bread and jam, then."
"Adieu, ingrat!" said the magical slice of bread and jam, before to be digested.

So, the boy took a last sip of tea and opened the door, going out the street. It has just stopped raining, and the sky was all blue and bright. People were all out, some strolling, some going to their own offices, some walking aimlessly, trying not to be bitten by the werepuddles on the ground. The little boy had no money for a bus ticket, so he walked at a good pace, along the street, because the white palace of the Queen was far down the road.
He passed lot of little shops, when his attention was suddenly caught: a giant, red fish were leaning on a white porcelain plate, in the middle of a small shop's window. It was so big that just a small piece of his body covered the plate, while the head and the tail were graciously folded, following the line of the walls. 
The boy rose his eyes. Bakery, said the sign. 
The boy got close to the windows, leaning the front on the glass and shielding his eyes with a hand, because the light in the shop was so bright. The giant fish standed still. 
"Can you talk?" said the boy, with a doubtful tone.
"No," said the fish.
The boy knit an eyebrow. 
"I suppose that if I set you free, you'll give me luck or something, right?"
The fish didn't reply. 
"Oh, whatever. I know how these fairytales goes."

"Hello there!" said a warm voice, when the boy entered the shop. "What can I do for you?"
"I need a special present," said the boy at the smiling man behind the counter. He had fair hair and hazel eyes and the unpleasant expression of a cat after a lavish meal of innocent birds. "Sure," replied the man, "we have plenty of nice birthday cakes. Would you see some?"
"Well, it's not really a birthday," the boy replied, thinking of the Queen, "I'd just need something to cheer up a girl," he added, casting a sidelong glance to the shop's window.
The man sneered dangerously before to go on. "I'm sorry but we're short of candies and our red herring is not for sale," he said, "It's just for display. It's perfect to attract little, innocent guys like you into the shop. They get hypnotized and we can use them for our wicked purposes".
"We?"
"Me and my wife, of course."
"I don't think I'd like to be molested, but thanks for the offer," the boy said.
The man shook the head. "My dear boy, you watch too much TV. I like little guys only when I can make some money kidnapping them," he said. 
"I suppose I should sighs in relief, since I'm totally broke."
The man smiled. "What a pleasant coincidence. It happens that I own a nice, big burger house down the street, and I need some more personnel. Low cost personnel, if you get what I mean."
It was a great coincidence for sure.
The boy tilted the head on a side. "I'd be glad to help, but I don't see how I could get that big red herring that way," he said.
"It could be your next salary," the man smiled.
"Well, I'm not sure…"
"But it's a gift. A true gift, believe me!"
"I'm not sure, it's a good proposal but…"
"That fish worths three salaries, four! It's one of those offers that happens just once in a whole life!"
"I don't really know…"
"Get that fish before it stinks, dude. This is your last chance."
"Oh well… yes. Yes, I think…"
"So?"
"What about getting it now?" the boy smiled.
The man burst into a loud laugh.
"You're a little craving guy, you know?" the man said, shaking the head again, "You remind me of someone… I used to be that greedy when I was a child too. That's why I am where I am now," he grinned. "That's fine, you can take the herring with you while I bring you to the burger house. In person."
The man untied his apron to reveal a grey, pinstriped suit that looked quite threatening, and put it gently on the desk, before to turn the corner and walk to the shop's window. He picked up the giant fish with a single hand, patted it on the head and put it in the boy's arms with a smile.
"Here's your present, dude," the man said, "be sure not to die for the strain halfway, or you'll keep company to a dish of fried chips."
"You are what you eat, right?" the boy murmured, trying to balance the giant, slippery fish on his left shoulder.

Out in the street nothing has changed. The tall man walked fluently in the middle of the pavement like a hot knife in a pat of butter, because all the people seemed to run away as soon as they recognized his face.
"What a pleasant day," the man whistled, "perfect to stroll, get some sunlight and kill."
The little boy toddled behind him, trying not to trip: the red herring was heavy like a stone and as many silent. Better than a bat, in case of need, if you had enough strength to rise it, of course. The eyes of the herring were sparkling in the sun, like little black buttons. 
Suddenly, the buildings at the two sides of the streets started to grow in every direction, like living things. This, and the hideous fried smell were the proof they were entering the Queen's realm. Long rows of tall, exotic trees ran along the pavements, and everything was covered in gold, gems and advertising posters. 
"Don't you love the place? So luxury, it isn't? There's just a minor thing that I must get rid of, then everything will be - let's say - mine."
The little boy thought it was better to nod.
"And if you'll do a good job, I could even promote you. From the kitchen to the cash."
The red herring shook the head too, according to the boy's steps.
They finally arrived to a big, white palace in the middle of the street. A long, white stairs rose from the ground to the top of the building, all around the palace.
"Here we come," the man said, smiling. "Do you see those red curtains on the first floor? That's your office." Then, he started to climb the stairs without the slightest hesitation.
Someone coughed.
"Questions?" said the man, turning the head to take a brief glance behind his shoulder. The boy was behind him, still on the second step, the mouth shut up and a strange look on the face.
The man tilted the head, and an eyebrow. "I said, questions?"
The boy shook slowly the head.
"Good then. Let's go."
"Err, pardon me."
The man turned half of the body back, the smile was gone. "What now?"
"I think that's where I come in," said the herring, with a deep voice.
The man cleared his throat. "I didn't know that herrings could speak," he added, with a silky voice.
"Just when it's functional to the story, and I'm supposed to me a magic helper or something, you know," said the fish, shaking the tail slowly.
"Ooh, interesting," the man replied, drumming his fingers on the chin. "I just had thought of vary the menu. Magical hamburgers… sounds good."
"Aren't you scared? I could cast a spell and turn you into something sneaky for the rest of your life."
"I doubt it."
The fish stared at the man, unperturbed. "Me too."
"So what?"
"Well, I think we could meet the Queen, first. We're in her palace and we don't want to make her angry, right?" replied the fish, conciliatory.
"And do you really think I should follow the advices of a red herring?" said the man, smiling dangerously.
"I'd like to see the Queen, for the one and only time in my life…" the boy murmured, from behind the big fish.
"Who do you take me for? A benefactor?"
"I'll give up all my salary, for this. Just a little visit! Pretty please?"
"Unpaid work?"
The boy nodded vigorously.
"Ok then. But just for ten minutes, not more," the man said, "and shut your mouth."

The Queen leant on a pile of cushions, over an impressive throne covered in gold. She was a beautiful woman - because all the Queens are like that - and powerful and good, at least when the hideous fried smell didn't give her headaches. She had brown eyes and brown hair and she was wearing a nice nightdress, refinedly embroidered with pearls.
The Throne Room was big like a train station, and the light came gently through the white curtains that covered the tall windows.
"Her Gracious Majesty!" said a deep voice, at the other side of the room, "Two citizens and a half beg to meet Your Highness!"
The Queen, who was trying to pass the time reading a magazine, rose her nice head and looked her High Chamberlain straight in the eyes. "And a half?" she said.
The High Chamberlain, a young blonde guy just promoted, shown his best smile and nodded. "Yes, Your Highness. The half is a fish."
The Queen sighed. "As long as it's not a fried chips, I suppose it's okay," she said.
"Does Your Highness want to meet the citizens?"
"Yes, or this story won't ever finish," the Queen replied.
A trumpet blasted and the Chamberlain introduced the three hosts, with a bow.
"Here they are, Her Gorgeousness," said the Chamberlain, "a man, a little boy and… what it seems a red tuna."
"Herring," the little boy murmured.
"Shut up," hissed the Chamberlain, trying to kick the little guy on a leg to punish his conceit.
The little guy dodged the blow. "Good move," said the man in a conversational tone, before to freeze the Chamberlain with a cold glare. "I wouldn't do it, if I was you," he added, quietly.
"You obviously don't know how to behave in high society," murmured the Chamberlain, with a killer look. Then, he turned his head to the throne, with a contrite expression. 
"I don't know how to apologize, Gracious Majesty! These… these peasants-" but the Queen wasn't paying the slightest attention to him. She suddenly had rose from her cushions, the eyes opened wide. "Who are you?" she said.
The little boy was staring at the Queen with a brainless expression on the face. He had never seen something so gracious in his entire, little life.
From nowhere, the little laugh of a slice of bread and jam resounded in the air.
"Who are you?"
"I'm… err… me?" said the boy, completely lost in the Queen's eyes.
The Queen standed up. "Come here," she ordered.
The Chamberlain, kind of used to the Queen's bizarre behaviour, pushed the little boy in the back, to show him where to go. "C'mon, walk… walk!" he hissed, but the boy was already toddling to the throne, trying not to lose the grip on the red herring. When he reached it, he fell on a knee and offered the huge fish to the Queen.
"For you, Your Highness," he murmured, still lost in her eyes. The Queen smiled. "It's a marvellous gift, little stranger, but what I should exactly do with it?" she said.
"Sushi," replied the little boy, madly in love. "No more fried smell for Her Splendour," he murmured.
"I knew I had come to a bad end," said the red herring.
"I prefer mackerel, but you're surely an interesting little guy," the Queen said. (A distinct sigh followed this sentence.) The more she looked at him, the more she became convinced he was the most beautiful little guy of her whole realm.
Someone coughed.
"Not to break this lovely scene, but I should come back to my business," said a voice.
"How do you dare to speak that way-" started the Chamberlain in a furious voice, but the face of the man shut him up pretty quickly.
"Little guy, are you the chosen one who'll save me from my bad fate?" said the Queen with a sigh. She had put the red herring on her knees, like a lap dog, and she was patting its head absent-mindedly.
"Sure thing," said the boy, who'd have done everything for her.
"Chamberlain! Bring here the Doomed Thing!" the Queen ordered. The Chamberlain bowed and snapped the fingers. After a little while, a page ran to him, holding a velvet cushion covered with a golden cloth. The Chamberlain took the precious thing from the page's hands and walked to the throne, shooting a last glance to the man, who was patiently waiting for the end of the story to come.
"Here You are, Your Highness," the Chamberlain said.
The Queen looked the little boy in the eyes, with a painful expression on the face. The little boy distinctly heard his heart missing a couple of beats.
"A curse was cast on my self long ago, by an evil witch," the Queen said, "and just a valiant knight will be able to break it and save me."
"I'm at Your disposal," murmured the boy.
The Queen smiled and rose the cloth to reveal a pair of pink panties, with bunnies on the edge, lying on the velvet.
"Only one person can wear them and save my reign. Will you try?" she asked.
The boy smiled and took her hand in his own. "Leave the dirty job to me," he said.
Then he picked up the panties and walked firmly towards a big curtain on a side of the throne. He hid behind it for a little while, and then he came out, wearing just the Pink Panties of Doom on his little, gracious body.

"Nice style," said someone, in a conversational tone.
The Chamberlain gave a killer look to the man, who just shrugged the shoulders.
The Queen was looking at the little guy with an enraptured and somehow dangerous expression on her face. "Aww," she said, before to put the red herring in the Chamberlain's arms and move some steps towards the little guy.
"You are utterly delicious," she said, looking the boy in the face, "will you marry me?"
The boy nodded and moved a couple of steps towards the Queen. "I think I lov-" he started, but the Queen was already kissing him forcefully on the lips.

And they lived happily ever after, like bread and jam.

| back |